Making the Day Easier (for Everyone) with Mindful Listening  

by Rebecca Shafir

Whenever I speak to groups, I ask them, “How many of you have ever been listened to wholeheartedly in your life?” Sadly, out of hundreds of people, only a few will raise their hand. These same persons will recall with delight how satisfying, comforting and memorable it was to be heard, even if our listener didn’t agree with our position.

Listening in a mindful way is when we make that speaker (a patient, co-worker, friend or family member) feel as if he/she is the most important person in the room. Interestingly and contrary to our beliefs, to make someone feel that way only takes about a minute or two of your complete attention. 

At work, managed care hassles, numerous interruptions, long waits, and illness(es) on top of it all, can make rational communication challenging. If you listen mindfully your speakers will not only feel valued and respected, but you will gain their cooperation just by putting aside your agenda to listen to theirs. 

How can we learn to listen better and make our interactions with people less exhausting and more satisfying? Here are a couple ways that work:

Save energy- Allow silence. 

Most of us are uncomfortable with silence; we are so used to constantly being bombarded with auditory stimulation. Common misconceptions about allowing silence also get in the way. For example when listening to someone, particularly a disgruntled other, it is common to think that if we remain quiet we are relinquishing power to the speaker or, even more erroneously, agreeing with the speaker.

Hearing one’s complaint without interruption is the first step to any negotiation and key to calming the speaker so they can listen to us. Listen with curiosity. Chances are, they are not complaining about you but about their circumstances. Allow the pauses; watch and wait. It will give your speaker a chance to get his/her thoughts in order and share how they feel. (This is a very liberating experience!) 

Thinking about what you are going to say next or jumping in to defend your policy will only aggravate your speaker, take more time and wear you out. If allowing silence is difficult for you try meditation, taking a walk and listen to the sounds around you. 

Take occasional breaks from the radio, the iPod and cell phone to settle your mind. Giving your speaker the floor for just a couple minutes has enormous power for solving problems and leaving everyone in a better state of mind to act in an efficient manner. 

Tell back – Get it right.

The true test of whether you have heard your speaker accurately is your ability to tell back in your words what was said. ‘Tell back’ is not only reassuring to your speaker, but paraphrasing is also good for your brain. Listening in this way exercises at least three parts of our brain. 

Telling back confirms that you and your speaker are “on the same page.” Even if you make a mistake, it signals that you are making an effort to solve their problem by “getting it right.” What makes ‘tell back’ challenging is our poor attention spans which, for many of us, is about 20 seconds or less. 

Taking notes (key words only) as we watch and listen to our speaker can compensate for a limited attention span or memory weakness. It shows conscientiousness and caring – unique commodities in this busy world.