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Five Ways to Get Your Spouse to
Listen Better to You
by Rebecca Shafir
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Allow silence. By this, I do not mean “the silent treatment.” That is abusive silence. Let them talk. Forget yourself; get into their movie. Watch their face and gestures. What are they telling you? Frustration, defensiveness, disappointment, what? Your goal is to get to the heart of the problem (their body versus their words may be
telling you better than their words) and find a solution.
- Be patient through the hurtful words (the surface message) knowing that the heart of their complaint/concern is not far away. Ask, “Is there anything else?” When it’s your turn they will be more apt to give you air time.
- When your spouse is watching their favorite TV program, engrossed in a more desirable message to them at the time, hold your self-interest until the commercial. People tune out when you do not respect their interest or when everything is urgent. Use a gentle voice, a touch on the shoulder vs. yelling or shaking.
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Avoid “hot button” words (swearing, bringing up the ex-spouse, “never”, name-calling, etc). These only invite hostile emotions, taking you farther from your goal AND the solution.
- Cross complaining only steers both parties farther from the heart of the problem. It makes both parties defensive.
I.e.:
Spouse #1: “You always make me walk the dog!”
Spouse #2: Well, YOU never put out the garbage.”
Instead, seek out the source of the complaint. Is it really about dog walking responsibility or is it something else that’s being neglected?
Bonus tip: Reinforce your partner when he/she listens well. Let them know how you appreciate it, even when you disagree. Think about it - we are usually condemning someone for not listening, and rarely thanking them for listening when they do.
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