Read My Mind, Valentine 

by Rebecca Shafir

Save the $50 on flowers and candy and give your valentine what he/she really wants for Valentine’s day…your undivided attention!

For women, one of the most exasperating aspects of communicating with a man is having to be direct. We like to ask questions, be suggestive, and get a general feel for the territory before we get too specific. This usually results in way too many words. 

Men like short, to the point, specific requests that leave little room for error; they find it frustrating to search through the fog for a woman’s real intent. Women, on the other hand, tend to have a third ear when trying to figure out what’s on a man’s mind. Their brains are hard-wired to watch AND listen at the same time. So, when a woman has to “bottom-line” her desires, somehow the magic and the sizzle fade from the interaction. 

By flexing our mental muscles each sex can learn to read the other better just by knowing the facts. 

How can men and women utilize their powers of listening to better read each other?

Even experts from the FBI will agree that in order for someone to share their innermost feelings it’s necessary to break down the defenses that shroud our true feelings.

We all have barriers – past experiences, resentment, negative feelings, expectations etc. And, our partner has their own set of barriers toward us. These barriers act as distractions to the real message our partner may be trying to communicate. A true meeting of the minds requires that we put those on hold. Instead of dredging up old grudges and the like, try to concentrate on what our partner might be thinking. What motivates him/her to talk or be silent. What’s really irking her as she swears at the cat?

Secondly, when trying to understand where our partner is coming from we tend to focus on all the wrong things – words and facial expressions.

Did you know that the words make up only about 7% of the intended message and the body language, tone of voice and gestures make up the rest? So if we’re banking on the words to really convey true feelings we’re setting ourselves up for frustration.
Focus on the eyes. The smile is one of the most overrated expressions for camouflaging deceit, discomfort or resentment. 

A false smile, typical of the obsequious salesman, lacks the crow’s feet wrinkle in the corner of the eyes. It’s easy to produce one of 18 different smiles, but more difficult to hide the true feelings generated by the less voluntary muscles groups in the upper half of the face. 

You know something’s up when your partner, usually relaxed at the dinner table, is edgy or stuttering a bit. Voice changes, slips of the tongue in combination with other signs of emotional arousal may suggest that he or she is hiding something. 

Our bodies are inclined to tell the truth. Lying breeds anxiety. The body has natural pathways to release that tension, i.e. nail biting, sweating etc. Your partner may not necessarily be lying to you, but they are upset either about lying to you or worried that they think you won’t believe them. 

Unfortunately, there is no one gesture or facial expression that indicates a liar. It takes much training in watching body language, in combination with devices like the polygraph or voice stress analyzers to get beyond a 50% chance of catching a lie.

Allow silence. These days, interruption is a way of life. Either a cell phone, a pager or a remote control takes over our sometimes futile attempts to stay focused. So when our partner maintains attentive eye contact, grants us a few seconds of silence between our comments, and holds back on their self-interest for a few minutes, we feel freer to get to the root of our concerns. 

When we’re listened to wholeheartedly, we feel like the most important person in the room. It makes us feel that our relationship is the most important thing to our partner in this moment. Trust allows us to shed the armor of contrived remarks, false smiles and inappropriate laughter and just be ourselves. It’s liberating to be heard in this way. 

Tell back what you think they meant to say. If you feel helpless in reading the body language of a significant other, the words may be the only clues you have to go by. Especially when people are under stress, words are tossed about like confetti.
If you tell back what they said or how you interpreted their remarks, they just might 
take the opportunity to revise a hastily made comment or remark, thus clearing up any confusion a poor choice of words brought to the discussion. 

Does your partner nag, day in and day out? Contrary to belief both men and women nag but about different things. For example, my husband will repeatedly harp on securing the lid on the honey jar. Just a tap and a half turn is good enough for me. Yet, women (and I’m no exception) will nag about behavior, sloppiness or inconsiderateness. 

Men – beware, if your partner’s nags cover a wide gamut of topics that may signal some unmet expectations of the relationship. For example, one of my students finally discovered that a rise in nagging usually accompanied a lay-off or a business deal that went sour affecting the family’s financial situation. His wife admitted that nagging was her only way to irritate him to the point of changing his career.