Are You a Dinner Party Poop? Treat Yourself and Your Guests to Gastro-Nirvana! 

by Rebecca Shafir

Meals shared with friends are opportunities to reconnect and savor companionship. Despite all the high-tech wizardry that abounds in our households and our workplaces, nothing can replace the simple yet deeply satisfying feelings we get from sitting around the table, sniffing the smells and luxuriating in the flavors of our favorite dish. Notice how the kitchen is frequently the center of activity? It’s warm and cozy, it’s a chef’s laboratory and oftentimes, a designer’s delight. 

Mealtimes can be revitalizing and renewing, not just because of the nutrients surging through our digestive tracts, but because of the awakening and transformation that are possible with good conversation partners. 

For many of us who are linked only cybernetically to people more than half our waking hours, a great sense of balance and well-being arises from knocking elbows with a fellow human as we wallow in the pleasures of a shared pizza, if only for fifteen minutes.

Yet this necessary pleasure often takes a back seat to our hyperactive schedules, background TV noise, CD players and the like, making us a little less human with every new distraction. In the fifties, families sat down and ate dinner together six to seven nights a week. These days, two or three nights together at the dinner table is a stretch. 

Experts say we are paying dearly for that lack of dinnertime table talk. Manners—and not just table manners—traditionally taught “in the round,” like not interrupting, staying in your seat, and keeping the volume down, have gone by the wayside, as any school teacher can attest. And if the basic social graces are not acquired early in life, it’s unlikely that they ever will be—a serious handicap to future success in academia, business, and in personal relationships.

Nothing spoils a six-course extravaganza more effectively, for example, than the boor who monopolizes the conversation and talks about himself the whole time. Or, how about the dinner guest who relentlessly pursues an argument well after everyone else has stopped caring? Then there’s the guest that, for whatever reason, shuts herself off from the group and makes little or no attempt to connect with others. 

If you fall into one of these categories, dinner invitations may be sparse or nonexistent. Plus, you’re missing out on one of life’s greatest pleasures and experiences—gastro-nirvana—the state of bliss that comes from exciting all your senses at a sit-down dinner. 

Trying something new (or something tried and true!) is an adventure for the palate, a chance to make new connections with strangers, and an intellectual opportunity to perhaps change your mind. As a hostess and lover of good food and conversation, nothing gives me more naches (i.e., pleasure) than helping my guests achieve gastro-nirvana. 

If you’ve been missing out on the gastro-nirvana experience, here are ten ways to make it happen: (There’s only one caveat—you must accept the fact that if you apply any of these gastro-nirvana strategies, you will emerge a more spiritually evolved person—one with a good appetite and a reputation as a great host and welcome guest.) 

1) Become a mindful listener. Interrupters are not popular at social gatherings. Forget your personal soap opera and get into someone else’s. We never learn anything from playing our own movies over and over again. As you listen you’ll discover what makes your dinner partners tick, how they perceive reality. It’s a trip to discover another world, because it makes you look twice at your own perceptions. Questioning your beliefs and being better able to understand others is the beginning of transformation. When it’s your turn to talk, your remarks will be that much more appreciated, and you’ll receive the feedback that makes you want to listen more and talk less. 

2) Always praise the chef. Even if the sauce could have used a bit more sherry, resist the urge to criticize. Examine the other flavors that make that sauce yummy. If nothing else, it will confirm in your mind that sherry makes the sauce. Likewise, this philosophy carries over to conversation with your fellow guests. Avoid criticizing their comments or positions on a subject. Instead, try to figure out why they are so adamant. And above all, resist giving advice unless asked!

3) Venture to try something new. If you’ve always hated olives, you’d reflexively pass on the tapas. Pick up a cracker and DIG DEEP (unless you’re allergic, of course), knowing that many people love tapas. What is the attraction? If you don’t find it immediately, look for it! It’s the same with people from different walks of life, different ethnic backgrounds. Ask a couple of open-ended questions to understand how they see the world.

4) Vary your menu. As the host, if you always serve the same kinds of food, you’ll run out of things to say about it. Unusual, exotic cooking has a way of expanding conversation. Defy the cookbooks and offer a French appetizer, a Moroccan main dish, a Chinese soup, and an Italian dessert. Cooking, like conversation, can become too predictable. 

5) Pick out the quiet ones at the party. If you sense they’d like to get into a conversation, say something like, “They say the one who listens best has the most knowledge. What can you teach me?” 

6) Spice up the guest list. If you are the host, vary your guest-mix recipe. Invite a couple of strangers, perhaps a new coworker or a new neighbor. They will most likely be grateful for the chance to meet someone new in a nonconventional setting. As the Bible says, “Be not forgetful to entertain strangers, for thereby some have entertained angels unawares.” If conversation is to be adventurous, the territory must expand.

7) Refuse to feel isolated. If you are hearing impaired and frequently feel apart from the group, key in on the visual aspects of the gathering, learn to read facial cues and body language. Don’t be afraid to ask questions or request that the jokester repeat the punch line. It’s also, in part, the responsibility of the host to bring you into the conversation, tone down unnecessary noise, and keep you informed of developments you might have missed. 

8) Use a bit of theater. If you’re the host, select one dish that others might like to observe you preparing, preferably a dish that’s well rehearsed and has a strong visual appeal. I often invite my guests into the kitchen to watch me stir-fry a dish wild with hot peppers, invite them to try their hand at making crepes, or view a stand-back exhibition of fiery banana flambé. Conversation, lots of laughs, oohs and ahs routinely emerge from this kind of display. Leave some of the more exotic ingredients on the counter for people to examine and discuss. It is a great way to draw in the more reserved folks, and it often sparks conversation between guests who might not, until now, have had much in common. 

9) Be sensitive to others’ viewpoints. Tread with caution on the subjects of politics and religion. Know your own hot buttons and breathe deeply rather than explode if they are pushed. If you are coaxed into such a discussion, keep it light and lively. Unless you’ve been paid to push an agenda at a gathering, become more knowledgeable about the opposing view by listening to understand where others are coming from. 

10) Thank your hosts graciously. And if true, let them know how much you enjoyed the company and the fun. A short follow-up call or thank-you note is always appreciated. These actions will most certainly keep you on the guest list!