How to Get A Man (Husband, Boyfriend, Son,
Male Co-worker, Etc.) to Listen
by Rebecca Shafir
Interview by reporter Donna Fairfield in Hartford, CT, April 2003.
What can I do to get my husband to listen to me when I speak to him?
Our egos often set us up for not being heard.
First, before you say a word, ask yourself what it is you want from him?
Attention? A break from silence? Recognition for something? Then, ask yourself the second question, “Is this the best time to bring this up? Can I wait for a better time?”
Perhaps at the commercial or when he is making a transition between activities? This thoughtful process (that takes 5- 10 seconds) shows you care for and respect their best interests. You have a much better chance of being heard, if you take the time to ask yourself those two questions first.
When we nag or interrupt people at inopportune times, without thinking
first, we usually get what we asked for – a negative response. After you’ve evaluated your intention, you increase your chances of getting the satisfaction you want from the interaction.
He says I don’t listen to him, so he doesn’t want to hear me out either. How does he get that impression?
Is his reality worth considering? When he brings up something you’re not interested in are you loading the dishwasher, reading a magazine or doing you nails at the same time? People usually don’t make this stuff up.
Pay close attention to what he has to say.
Everyone craves attention of some sort. It shows unselfishness on your part, and believe me, when someone keeps interrupting you or nagging all the time all you see is selfishness coming at you.
If it’s hard for you to pay close attention, pretend you’re at the movies and that your male friend is a complex character (which he is) and you want to understand what makes him tick, what rocks his world. It’s very refreshing to get out of our movie every so often and slip into the mind of someone else for a change. We get a whole new perspective just like at the movies.
To get him talking, ask open-ended questions like, “What do you want to do today?” or “How do you think we should deal with the garbage pick up problem?”
Sometimes I’m too impulsive to take the time to evaluate my motivation. Is there anything else I can do to get him to cooperate and listen to me?
Reinforce him by thanking him for listening to you when he does, even if it’s only once a week. Let him know you appreciate his opinion on subjects he’s not particularly interested in. This may take a few weeks, but after awhile people start doing more of what they get rewarded for, right?
Isn’t this a manipulative way to get a man to listen?
It may appear this way to you, but what you’re doing is re-adjusting yourself to the reality of the situation, that people need positive feedback to participate in any activity – including conversation.
Is it true that men and women listen differently?
Yes, men and women’s brains are programmed by their genetic makeup and their upbringing to listen differently. Deborah Tannen, a famous researcher in this field of male/female communication, said it this way: “Men listen for report, while women listen for rapport.”
If that’s the case, how do I adjust to that when speaking to a man?
Get to the point; use as few words as possible to say what you mean. If they want more elaboration, they’ll let you know. Do not expect anyone to read your mind. Some people are good at reading between the lines. This is an attribute not usually associated with men. But generally, most people are not attentive enough to pick up on the subtler messages.
Rebecca, has this worked for you?
Absolutely, I speak from experience. My husband, the entrepreneur he is, always has a million things on his mind regarding business, the economy, religion, politics, plus many things I’m not particularly interested in,
and vice versa. Yet we’ll interrupt or overlap each other frequently to share thoughts on a subject.
Nobody gets irate, because we both have made it a habit to ask ourselves whether what we have to add at the moment is worthy of the interruption – will it be helpful, informative for the speaker? When you establish this kind of “mutual respect habit” even a few mindless interruptions don’t matter because we know mindful listening is good for our relationship.
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