Fifteen Communication Tips: Teaming Up With an ADD/ADT Friend or Family Member  

by Rebecca Shafir

1. Is your help wanted? Before you try to help your friend or family member (f/f), make sure your assistance is desired. Unwanted help is not helpful and will leave you all frustrated.

2. Flex your communication style. Observe and listen mindfully to your f/f to see what kind of approach will work best. If you are a detail-oriented person, try seeing the issue from their big-picture point of view and narrow it down to the details. It is a team effort for each f/f to modify their style so you can speak the same language, or “be on the same page.” Both parties must do their best to flex! 

3. Team Expectations. As a team, set up reasonable and reachable goals with timelines and a breakdown of big tasks into smaller steps. This helps keep up enthusiasm, and limits procrastination.

4. Confidentiality. Try not to give helpful suggestions in front of others. They may not want everyone to know that you are helping them.

5. Clarify – Tell back what you think the person said so as to clear up any confusion. Sometimes ADD f/fs have a hard time organizing their thoughts, much less expressing them in a coherent manner. Conversely, ask your f/f to tell back what you have said to be sure they have understood you and captured all the information accurately in order to move forward. 

6. Notice – don’t evaluate. How you point out weaknesses and shortfalls can make or break relationships. Say instead, “I noticed that…” or “Are you aware that…” or
“Another approach might be to…” These words carry much less blame and shame.

7. Create some cues or signals for helping the ADD friend avoid social mistakes in public. Holding up one finger to your chin may signal “Wrap it up, you’ve been talking too much!” or a gentle cough may signal “Calm it down a tad, your partner is getting annoyed.” 

8. Timing. Pick the right time to give feedback. If you or they are tired, rushed or upset, it’s likely that the interaction will be less effective.

9. Pace your feedback. No one needs to hear that they did 25 things wrong all at once. Pick the top 1-3 to address at one sitting. Try not to overwhelm or discourage your friend by pointing out every mistake at once. 

10. Praise and encouragement. Listen to yourself – how often do you use praise and inspiriting language with your f/f? Psychologists say we need at least 7 affirmations in order to best hear one critical comment. Remember that your ADD f/f has many positive characteristics that often go unnoticed. 

11. Prepare and strategize. For bigger presentations or projects be open to the brainstorming of creative approaches your f/f may have to share. From there, develop a game plan of steps needed, timelines for completion, etc to be most effective in making that presentation/project a success. 

12. Invite questions. Positive, inspiriting talk and a supportive attitude make you more approachable when it comes to questions that your f/f needs to ask. Your f/f may be hesitant to bother you when they become bogged down in solving a problem. Let your open door policy (with its limitations) be known. They may already have the answer to their question. It may be a “safe” sounding-board they’re looking for.

13. Don’t rescue unless absolutely necessary. Our f/fs will learn from their mistakes as everyone does. If rescue occurs too often, they may never be motivated to change; you might actually hinder their growth.

14. Stay emotionally neutral. To keep stress low for both of you, try not to get overly excited about their successes or lack of progress. If emotions aren’t kept in check, your f/fs will lose face if they disappoint you.

15. When the goin’ gets tough…empathize. Get into their movie, listen to what it’s like to be them. This perspective will help you be less judgmental and more understanding.