Five Steps for Training Your Brain to Listen

by Rebecca Shafir

Listening is an interesting irony. It is the lifeline of any business, but it is a skill that is rarely cultivated, much less taught, in school. 

Public speaking is often a required course in most business college curriculums, but what about Listening 101? More of us make a living from listening, but how many of you make a living from public speaking? Business gurus count strong listening skills among ‘the musts’ of great leadership, yet most of these experts cannot explain how to achieve it. 

Without powerful listening as a part of our skill set, we risk the loss of billions of dollars of great ideas, good people and valuable customers. We have all been on the other side of the desk as customers and employees. How easily we forget the satisfaction when we were heard or the disgust when were ignored. The stark omission is not one borne of ignorance. We know listening is important. So, how can we make listening genuine, productive and a part of our DNA? 

The first step is to confront some of the listening myths that prevent us from taking on the challenge. Some of these are: 1) listening means agreeing; 2) if you can “act-like-you’re-listening” then you are listening; 3) the speaker is the stronger, more knowledgeable one in the room; and 4) men can’t listen. 

Indeed, listening is the first step to any negotiation, but the process of listening does not convey agreement, unless, of course, you are doing the “act-like-you’re listening” routine and nodding yourself senseless as your partner is speaking (many of the half day listening workshops actually teach these routines!). Heaven forbid that the speaker asks you to tell back what he or she has said. Thirdly, it is the good listener has the greatest knowledge base. We don’t learn very much when we do all the talking. Medical research has shown that women listen differently than men; not necessarily better or worse. 

Now that we have dispelled some of the more common myths, let’s get to the business of training your brain, whether you are a man or woman, to listen better. 

Assuming that you accept the immutable fact that customer and employee loyalty rely first and foremost on creating a strong connection, how do we train our brains to cooperate? Here are three ways to fine tune your listening skill: 

1) Improve your concentration. The average American adult attention span (20 seconds or less!) is a product of a high level of distraction, hyperactive schedules, stress, and a multi-tasking lifestyle. Twenty seconds usually falls short of the time it takes for someone to get their point across. Add to the mix the non-verbal messages – the gestures, facial expressions, tone of voice - convey the bulk of the content. Some experts say that 90% or more of the message is embedded in this non-verbal body language. 

How well are you able to capture the full essence of the message and how can you extend your attention span without medication? One way to start training your brain to fully listen is to practice concentration meditation.

Meditation has been known for centuries as a way to quiet the brain and temper heart rate and blood pressure. There are several forms of meditation, some require as little as ten minutes daily to make a difference. Every morning after my physical workout, I prepare my mind for the onslaught of meetings, interviews and conversations ready and waiting for me at work. 

One of my favorite exercises is to find a quiet room, sit in a semi-comfortable chair with my eyes closed and count my breaths backwards (it’s harder that way). Start with a 10 count. Inhale on 10 and exhale on 10, Inhale on 9 and exhale on 9, etc. very slowly. The object of this exercise is to stay focused on the breath. When your mind has strayed to worrying about what you’ll have for lunch bring your mind back to focusing on the breath. 

Why the breath? Our breathing is as basic as it gets. If you can’t keep your mind on the sound and the feel of your breath, how can you possibly stay focused on what someone is trying to tell you. If you find ten breaths too easy, kick it up to 15 or 25 breaths at a sitting. If you forget what number breath you’re on, go back to the number you remember.

Meditation not only improves one’s ability to concentrate on the verbal and non-verbal messages, but it also helps us become comfortable with silence. I have found that silence is my most powerful communication tool. When you allow the silences, you help your speaker become more comfortable with you. You’re giving her license to share more details. I want my customers to feel good about telling me what they won’t share with my competition. Allowing silence builds trust. Trust, after all, is the foundation for loyalty. 

2. Get into the speaker’s movie. For an exercise watch a movie like My Dinner with Andre or Sideways. Notice how during some of those well scripted but very natural conversations you forget about yourself while you try to understand what makes these characters tick. It’s rather refreshing to forget about our agendas once in awhile and get a sense of another point of view. 

If you look and listen closely, you’ll see how much more of the message is carried by the body language, the gestures, facial expressions. The pauses often tell more than the words. You may find yourself thinking about your to-do list, an upcoming meeting or silently criticizing your speaker, etc. This happens in any conversation. What matters is that you recognize those distractions and get back to into their movie. 

The movie mindset can be very helpful particularly when we are listening to the dissenters and complainers in our lives. Oftentimes these “difficult people” are the ones who want to help make your organization better. Although their presentation may be unsettling at best, these folks are trying to help you see a problem that others are experiencing. It is the customer’s perception that must become your reality if you are to keep them our customer. And, remember to thank them for sharing their movie, good or bad, with you. What could be worse than losing an important customer and never knowing why?

3. Avoid the “listening stoppers” – interruption, unrequested advice and denying someone’s perception. Interruption signals that you are in your own movie and have no time for your speaker’s movie; that includes verbal interruption and shifting about in your chair which serves as a physical interruption. Give your speaker at least 45 seconds of attentive, movie-mindset listening. Then, if an interruption is warranted, your speaker will feel that you gave them ample time to get to the point. 

Giving unrequested advice creates an asymmetry in the relationship – a parent and child situation - that puts us in our place. That place may end up not being at your place of business. When you fail to acknowledge your customer’s disappointment or how much time he wasted when his computer was sent back from repair with parts missing, it will probably be the last time he purchases a laptop from you. 

4. Listen to Yourself. In addition to the listening stoppers, notice how often you find yourself using bureaucratic-babble (“That’s not our policy” or worse “That’s not our problem.”). Words like “policy” serve to distance you from your customer.
How often do you speak positively about yourself and others? Is your tone user-friendly or coldly administrative? How often do you demonstrate that you heard what the speaker said or how they felt? 

As an exercise I have my clients record themselves in meetings with customers, peers, subordinates. It’s an often painful, but enlightening experience to listen back and hear how mindlessly we choose our words or carelessly respond to what was said. For starters, listen to your voice mail greeting. Ask others their opinion of how you come across. 

5. Give yourself opportunities to practice listening. Start at home. Watch the look on your kids’ faces when you hold back on advice and encourage them to come up with some solutions. Practice getting into the movies of your family members and watch your tendency to interrupt diminish. Listen with curiosity to the less interesting movies – what makes them talk, what are they trying to say? 

Listening in this way also helps people understand themselves better. They will in turn, and in time, start listening better to you. Whenever my husband and I go to a dinner party we make it a point to share what we learned from others that evening. We are happy to speak about ourselves if asked, but it’s much more entertaining and informative to learn from others. 

Next, take your practice to work. Offer a Monday morning bagel hour or an occasional Friday afternoon pizza meeting. Get to know your subordinates, get into their movies and earn their trust. Don’t feel that you have to prepare a speech or say anything profound. Let them talk and you listen. Make them feel comfortable to talk about their hobbies, or their kids or share ideas as zany as they may be. A little pizza can go a long way. 

Call a few customers and ask them to share their experience with your product or service. They’ll be pleasantly surprised to know you care about their patronage and that you’re not trying to sell them anything. This gesture has an interesting way of resulting in repeat sales and favorable coffee talk with their friends, friends who will soon to become your future customers. 

And finally, if none of these points are helpful, think about those rare times when you were heard completely, as if you were the only one in the room at that time. What did that feel like? What was that listener able to do so well? How did that affect your relationship? Chances are they were skilled at making you feel valued and respected. They cared about your opinion and made you feel good about yourself. Not necessarily did they agree with you, but for some reason, it was okay.