by rshafir | February 20, 2026 | Uncategorized
Why You Don’t Feel Good After You Succeed
My client Susan recently completed a big project that had been hanging over her for months. She created a timeline with benchmarks. She scheduled each step. She followed through with minimal prompting. She turned it in a day before it was due. Anticipating a bit of celebration, when I asked how she felt, she looked confused.
“I don’t know,” she said. “Relieved, I guess. But now I’ve got to move on to the next thing.”
This response is more common than people realize. Many capable adults — especially those with ADHD or executive function vulnerabilities — meet a challenge, check the box and move on. They may even write it down in a planner. But they don’t feel it. They don’t celebrate it. They don’t metabolize it.
And that matters more than we think.
The Brain Needs to Register Completion
From a neurological perspective, effortful follow-through recruits the prefrontal cortex — the brain’s “CEO.” Planning, sequencing, inhibiting distractions, sustaining effort — these are metabolically expensive processes.
When a challenge is completed, the brain has an opportunity to release dopamine — not the frantic, novelty-seeking dopamine of scrolling or urgency, but the earned dopamine that reinforces persistence. Dopamine strengthens neural pathways associated with effort and reward. In simple terms: it helps your brain learn, “That was worth it. Do that again.”
But here’s the catch: the dopamine response is stronger when we consciously register the win. If we rush past it, minimize it, or immediately shift to the next demand, we short-circuit reinforcement. The brain does not fully encode success.
For many adults whose dopamine systems are already less reliably regulated, this is not a small issue. If success does not feel rewarding, motivation becomes externally driven — urgency, fear, deadlines and pressure. Over time, that’s exhausting.
Why Some People Can’t Savor Success
In executive function coaching, I often see three patterns:
- The Moving Goalpost. As soon as one task is completed, attention shifts to what remains undone. The brain stays threat oriented. There is no psychological “landing.”
- Discounting the Effort. Clients will say, “Well, it wasn’t that big a deal,” or “Anyone could have done that.” They erase the invisible work: resisting distraction, managing frustration, returning to the task after avoidance.
- Emotional Flatness After Prolonged Stress. When someone has operated in chronic stress mode, the nervous system can become calibrated to survival rather than satisfaction. Relief feels like baseline. Celebration feels unfamiliar.
None of these patterns are character flaws. They are habits of attention — and they are coachable.
A Developmental Layer (Without Blame)
For some people, this pattern has early roots. If praise in childhood was conditional or sparse — if success was treated as expected rather than celebrated — the nervous system may have learned that completion prevents criticism but does not generate warmth. In other families, the tone may have been relentlessly forward focused: What’s next?
Keep going. Achievement was acknowledged, but rarely metabolized. And for many adults with ADHD, the ratio of correction to celebration in childhood skewed heavily toward what was missed, forgotten, or unfinished. Even in loving homes, repeated correction can train the brain to scan for deficiency rather than completion.
None of this requires a dramatic backstory. It’s simply reinforcement history. If savoring was never modeled, never paused for, never encoded — the adult brain may not automatically do it.
The good news is what wasn’t wired early can be wired intentionally now.
Savoring as an Executive Function Skill
We often think of savoring as a personality trait — something upbeat people do naturally. But in coaching, I treat it as a skill.
Savoring is the deliberate act of pausing long enough for the brain to encode completion.
I suggest that my clients:
- Name what was hard about the task.
- Acknowledge the strategies you used.
- Notice the physical shift in your body once it’s done.
- Say, “I followed through.”
When a client slows down and does this — even for 20 seconds — something changes. Their posture shifts. Their breathing deepens. Sometimes they tear up. Not because the task was monumental, but because their effort was finally witnessed — even if only by themselves.
Neurologically, this pause strengthens the association between effort and reward. Emotionally, it builds self-trust. And self-trust is central to executive function.
Why This Matters Long-Term
Executive function is not just about calendars and task lists. It is about sustaining effort over time. It is about believing that your actions lead to meaningful outcomes. If your brain never feels the payoff, it will increasingly resist the effort. But when you consistently register completion — when you savor challenges met — you build a positive feedback loop. Effort leads to success. Success is felt. The brain remembers.
Motivation becomes more internally generated. For adults who have spent years feeling “behind,” this is powerful. You don’t need a parade. You need a pause.
In CoreCoaching, we don’t just work on starting and finishing. We work on landing. Because the ability to feel good about what you’ve done is not indulgent. It is neurologically strategic. And it may be the difference between burnout and sustainable momentum.
For founders and professionals who are always moving to the next milestone, learning to metabolize progress may be one of the most underrated performance skills. It’s something I address directly in CoreCoaching work.
by rshafir | September 23, 2025 | Blog, Entrepreneurship, Uncategorized
Kyle, a fintech founder near Salt Lake City, recently wrote:
“Rebecca, my startup is gradually picking up new clients but at a very slow rate. I’ve been advised to double down on networking, but I hate small talk—probably because I’m terrible at it. Can you give me some ways of getting better?”
If you’re nodding along, you’re not alone. Many founders find small talk awkward. But the ability to start and sustain casual conversations is essential to building the trust and connections your startup needs.
Here are some practical ways to improve:
✅ Accept it. Small talk is an essential communication skill for founders. Think of it as a bridge to learning something new, deeper conversations and future opportunities.
✅ Reframe it as a treasure hunt. Be curious: “What brings you to this event?” or “Where are you in your startup journey?” Avoid tired topics like the weather. Make it a goal to leave an event learning at least three things about the other attendants. Not all conversations will yield treasure, but that’s what makes networking a hunt.
✅ Answer with substance. When asked, “How’s your day?” go beyond “Good.” Try: “Much better now that interest rates dropped—what’s your take on that?”
✅ Notice and ask. “I see you’re using a Remarkable tablet—how do you like it?” Or offer a genuine compliment that sparks more dialogue: Your comment to the speaker was spot on. That’s been my experience too.
✅ Limit self-talk. Keep your story to 30 seconds. Then, as I emphasize in my book The Zen of Listening, shift fully into their “movie.” Put aside your agenda to imagine how they see the world. Folks can tell when you’re thinking about what you’re going to say next instead of really listening to them.
✅ Exit gracefully. Wrap up a conversation with: “It’s been great talking with you (use their name) —I don’t want to monopolize your time. Best of luck with [their project].” If that is difficult for you, as it is for many folks, practice your exit line in front of the mirror until you’re comfortable saying it.
✅ Practice in safe spaces. Try out small talk with Uber drivers, waiters, or baristas—low-stakes reps make you more confident at events. Use people’s names if available and create a personal connection.
Two extra tips just for founders:
✅ Prepare 2–3 “go-to” openers (“What’s been the highlight of your week?”). This prevents awkward silences.
✅ Use follow-up as small talk’s secret weapon for contacts that you sincerely appreciate. Send a short note the next day referencing something they mentioned. It shows you listened—and builds credibility.
If you want to dig deeper, research backs this up: small talk enhances both trust and wellbeing. (Harvard Business Review, Psychology Today).
Need practice? I offer single-session coaching for founders who want to sharpen their small-talk and listening skills. Reach me at Rebecca@MindfulCommunication.com.
by rshafir | March 13, 2025 | Blog, Entrepreneurship
In the world of sales, success isn’t about talking the most—it’s about listening effectively. As an entrepreneur making sales calls, the way you balance talking and listening can make or break a
deal.
What is Your Talk-to-Listen Ratio?
A 2023 analysis of thousands of sales calls by Gong Labs revealed that top sales performers maintain a talk-to-listen ratio of 43:57, meaning they listen more than they talk. These top performers exceeded their sales quotas by an average of 120%,
focusing less on presenting technical features and more on understanding customer problems.
A ratio of talking 40% of the time and listen 60% allows them to uncover a prospect’s real needs and position their solution effectively.
So how can you achieve this balance in your sales calls? Let’s break it down step by step:
1. The Opening: Building Rapport (5 minutes) – Talk 30% | Listen 70%
Your first few minutes set the tone for the entire conversation. Instead of launching into a pitch, take the time to connect on a personal or professional level. People buy from those they trust,
and trust starts with good conversation.
Tips for a Strong Opening:
Start with a warm, friendly introduction.
Show that you’ve done your research: “I saw that your company recently launched a new service—how has the response been?”
Ask open-ended questions that encourage them to share about their business.
By focusing on them rather than yourself, you create engagement and show that you value their time and perspective.
2. Discovery & Understanding Pain Points (10–15 minutes) – Talk 20% | Listen 80%
This is where you do the heavy lifting—but not by talking too much! Your goal is to get the prospect to open up about their challenges so you can tailor your pitch to their real needs.
Powerful Discovery Questions:
“What’s your biggest challenge with [problem] right now?”
“How have you tried solving it so far?”
Listen mindfully Repeat back key points to confirm understanding: “So, if I understand correctly, your biggest concern is X, which is affecting Y. Is that right?” The more you listen, the more insight you’ll gain, allowing you to position your solution effectively.
3. Presenting Your Solution (5–10 minutes) – Talk 60% | Listen 40%
Once you’ve identified their pain points, now it’s time to introduce your offer. But instead of giving a one-size-fits-all pitch, focus on what specifically matters to them.
How to Present Your Offer Effectively:
Tie your solution directly to their pain points.
Use success stories: “A client in a similar situation saw X results after implementing this solution.”
Keep it brief and engaging—don’t overwhelm them with information.
Remember, this isn’t about dumping information; it’s about making your prospect see the
value in your solution.
4. Handling Objections (5 minutes) – Talk 20% | Listen 80%
Every sales call will have objections, but how you handle them makes all the difference. Instead of jumping into a defensive response, listen first. Ask follow-up questions to understand the real
concern before responding.
How to Handle Objections Effectively:
“Can you share more about what’s holding you back?”
“What’s the most important factor in making your decision?”
After responding, ask: “Does that address your concern?”
By taking the time to understand and address objections thoughtfully, you build trust and increase the likelihood of closing the deal.
5. Closing: Next Steps (5 minutes) – Talk 50% | Listen 50%
At this stage, you need to ensure clarity on next steps and secure a commitment.
How to Close Effectively:
Summarize their needs and how your solution helps.
Ask for agreement: “Does this sound like a good fit for you?”
Set a concrete next step: “Let’s schedule a follow-up to go over implementation details.”
A clear and confident close prevents deals from stalling and keeps momentum moving forward.
Final Thoughts: How to Master the 40/60 Ratio
Achieving the right talk-to-listen balance takes practice, but here are a few tips to help:
✅ Use Silence to Your Advantage – Give your prospect space to think and respond.
✅ Track Your Ratio – Use call recordings, Zoom analysis or tools like Gong.io to determine
your talk vs. listen time.
✅ Be Curious – Approach the call as a learning opportunity rather than just a sales pitch.
Check out these other resources:
By listening and talking in a mindful way, you create more meaningful conversations, build trust, and ultimately, close more deals. Next time you pick up the phone, remember: Talk less, listen more, and watch your sales grow.
Want to advance your listening skills beyond “active listening?” Mindful Listening is 2.0. Email Rebecca.
by rshafir | November 9, 2024 | Blog, Entrepreneurship, Uncategorized
Election cycles, particularly during periods of heightened political tension, can create a ripple effect in businesses. For founders, the need to demonstrate effective leadership goes beyond managing the day-to-day operations or guiding strategic direction; it includes mastering emotional self-regulation, especially in turbulent times. How Americans Feel About the Election: Anxious and Scared – The New York Times
Here are some ways founders can lead with resilience and poise, cultivating a sense of stability within their teams to prevent post-election strife from impacting their business.
- Be a Model of Calm and Composure
A founder’s ability to stay calm in stressful times can set the tone for the entire organization. Employees look to leadership for cues on how to respond to challenges, and when a founder demonstrates composure, it can foster a sense of stability. If emotions are running high due to societal uncertainty, a founder’s level-headedness can be a powerful reminder that the business remains a safe and focused place.
How? Founders can practice mindfulness techniques, like deep breathing or meditation, particularly before addressing the team. By managing their own emotional responses first, founders not only avoid transmitting stress to their employees but also become role models for handling external pressures constructively.
- Cultivate Empathy and Mindful Listening
Employees come from diverse backgrounds, and each person may be experiencing different levels of anxiety, uncertainty, or even disagreement on the current events. As a leader, empathizing with these varied reactions is essential. Emotional self-regulation means being aware of one’s own emotional biases and checking them at the door, creating a safe environment for employees. The Zen of Listening Hour – Mindful Communication
How? Demonstrate empathy by validating a co-worker’s feelings or acknowledging the challenges they face. Practicing Mindful Listening by giving your full attention during conversations can help employees feel heard and supported. (Amazon.com : the zen of listening).
- Set Boundaries to Maintain Focus on Core Values and Goals
In times of post-election tension, it’s easy for conversations to veer into divisive topics, potentially creating friction within teams. Founders who model self-regulation understand the importance of setting boundaries that keep discussions professional and aligned with company values.
How? A clear communication strategy can be helpful. Remind employees of the organization’s core values and encourage everyone to focus on shared goals. Acknowledge the social climate without necessarily delving into contentious topics, which can help maintain unity and a sense of purpose. It’s about reinforcing that, while the outside world may feel unpredictable, the company’s mission and dedication to its values remain steadfast.
- Encourage Constructive, Solutions-Oriented Mindsets
When times are tough, adopting a solutions-oriented mindset is essential for emotional resilience. As the leader, a founder who remains calm under pressure and promotes problem-solving will empower the team to seek constructive ways forward rather than getting bogged down by stress.
How? Encourage brainstorming sessions to address any operational disruptions caused by external events. This approach not only helps solve immediate challenges but also reinforces a culture of resilience. By modeling optimism and the ability to pivot, founders can inspire their teams to focus on what’s within their control and avoid a defeatist mindset.
- Model Self-Care as a Tool for Emotional Resilience
Modeling self-care to the team and normalizing it as a vital part of work life is crucial. A leader needs to be prepared for drama as every employee will process the election results differently. Founders, in an effort to avoid conflict may yield to the pressure to allow highly reactive employees time off, or to postpone deadlines to recover from the election. The less affected team members may feel resentment towards those who are granted concessions.
How? When founders openly practice self-care, they give their teams permission to prioritize their well-being, which fosters a healthier work environment. Share how you are being particularly conscientious about your workout, sleep and diet routines to handle the transition. Encourage co-workers to join you for a walk at lunchtime. Invite a yoga or a meditation instructor for a lunchtime stress reduction class.
- Use Transparent and Reassuring Communication
During times of uncertainty, rumors and misinformation can fuel anxiety. Founders should practice transparent communication, sharing relevant updates about the business and the steps being taken to navigate potential challenges. Reassuring communication is both honest and empathetic, addressing concerns directly without unnecessary alarm.
How? Regular updates can help employees feel informed and secure. Even if the updates are simple acknowledgments of ongoing circumstances, transparency can cultivate trust and alleviate some of the stress that arises from the unknown. This approach not only demonstrates leadership but also models a mature, balanced way to process uncertainty.
In challenging times, a founder’s leadership is as much about emotional intelligence as it is about business acumen. Demonstrating self-regulation, focus and resilience in the face of external turmoil sets the tone for the entire organization, creating a stabilizing force that employees can look to for guidance. By embodying calmness, empathy, focus, and transparency, founders can not only steer their businesses through turbulent times but also build a work culture founded on emotional resilience. Read more:
Developing Emotional Intelligence for Leaders – This article by Verywell Mind explores emotional intelligence, focusing on why it’s critical for leaders and how components like self-regulation support effective leadership.
Managing Anxiety in the Workplace – This article from the Society for Human Resource Management (SHRM) provides strategies for leaders to manage team anxiety, particularly valuable in high-stress periods.
Need help with communicating and coaching co-workers to manage their emotional self-regulation? Contact me at Rebecca@MindfulCommunication.com
by rshafir | August 23, 2024 | Blog, Entrepreneurship, Lifestyle
No matter where you are in your entrepreneurial journey, there are steps you can take to maximize your success. While many factors beyond your control can derail a startup—like shortages, the economy, or pandemics—there are critical elements you can control.
ESR For Entrepreneurs
Research for my upcoming book The COREageous Entrepreneur: The Four Core Skills and Routines Every Founder Needs to Succeed, reveals four essential skills and routines that significantly increase the likelihood of startup success. Emotional Self-Regulation (ESR), the core of the core, tops them all.
ESR is the ability to modify or control your thoughts, emotions, actions, and words. For entrepreneurs, ESR skills are challenged more than for the average worker. For example, a closer look at failed startups in 2020 like Atrium, Zirtual, and Dijit showed that the mental health issues of the founders were the source of their demise.
As Peter Drucker, the renowned author and management consultant, once said: “Entrepreneurship requires more than just hard work. It requires emotional maturity, the ability to withstand stress, and the foresight to keep a clear head even when everything around you is falling apart.”
Similarly, Sara Blakely, a Shark Tank investor and founder of Spanx, noted, “The emotional journey of an entrepreneur goes from the highest highs to the lowest lows, sometimes in the same day.”
Gary Vaynerchuk, better known as Gary Vee, entrepreneur, and investor, also shares this sentiment: “There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t feel that pressure, but I embrace it because it’s a reflection of the responsibility I’ve taken on.”
Emotional Intelligence and Self-Regulation in Business
Emotional self-regulation (ESR) is crucial for personal well-being, healthy relationships, and for effective leadership in business. It allows you to navigate challenges with resilience and clarity. When your level of emotional intelligence increases, your emotions are in check, you can solve problems efficiently, make better decisions, and communicate more effectively. ESR is, indeed, a core element of startup success.
Key Aspects of ESR Include:
- Awareness: Recognizing your emotional state and the factors that influence it.
- Control: Modulating your emotional reactions to situations.
- Adaptability: Adjusting your emotions to fit the demands of different situations.
- Impulse Management: Resisting the urge to act without thinking first.
(To assess your ESR more thoroughly, see my Emotional Self-Regulation checklist.)
Strategies for Successful ESR:
- Mindfulness practices: Meditation helps entrepreneurs stay present and reduce stress. Regular meditation improves focus and emotional resilience, helping them navigate difficult situations with a clearer mind.
- Exercise: Many entrepreneurs incorporate regular physical activity into their routines, such as running, yoga, or strength training. This helps reduce stress hormones and improve mood.
- Therapy and coaching: Entrepreneurs often work with therapists or coaches to develop coping strategies, gain perspective, and improve emotional intelligence.
- Reframing challenges: Viewing challenges as opportunities for growth rather than threats can significantly reduce anxiety. Entrepreneurs who cultivate a growth mindset handle setbacks with more resilience.
- Executive function coaching: This helps build structured routines for getting work done well and on time, reducing overwhelm and increasing accountability.
- Support network: Building a strong support network of friends, family, mentors, and peers is crucial. Sharing experiences and challenges with others who understand the entrepreneurial journey can provide emotional support and reduce feelings of isolation.
- Maintaining boundaries: Entrepreneurs who make time for hobbies, relaxation, and relationships are better equipped to handle stress.
- Journaling and self-reflection: These help entrepreneurs process their thoughts and emotions, leading to greater self-awareness and emotional regulation.
- Prioritizing sleep and nutrition: Entrepreneurs who prioritize sleep and nutrition are generally better able to manage stress and make sound decisions.
Need help in building your emotional core? CoreCoaching often teams up with other therapists to create a strong foundation for managing the ups and downs of entrepreneurship. Contact me at Rebecca@MindfulCommunication.com.
"It takes more than courage to be an Entrepreneur, it takes CORE."